


Scars

by kres



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-09-25
Updated: 2004-09-25
Packaged: 2017-12-14 00:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kres/pseuds/kres
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somehow he knows it's a dream. A dream in a dream in a dream. But he can't escape his own mind.</p><p>[originally posted at kres.livejournal.com]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scars

**Author's Note:**

> Post-Ascension.
> 
> My first Stargate story. 2004.
> 
> Many thanks and hugs to HJ and ev_vy.

_You should have let me go, Jack._

warm flesh blood bandages tearing sinking like body like stone

…and the tearing of the fabric on his arm solidifies into a grip, into a shake of hand of his 2IC.

“Sir!”

“’m awake, Carter,” he rasps, not awake at all, the remnants of the dream pulling at his thoughts, clinging to his brain tissue like smoke, like thin shiny fibers of glue. “Lose the grip.”

“Um… sorry, sir.” She retreats into the dark of the tent, crouching nearby, on alert.

He rubs his face, waving away the smoke, scraping off the glue. “What’s going on?”

“Can’t find Daniel anywhere, sir.” Her voice breaks on the name and the snake uncoils slowly in Jack’s gut. No. Not _again_.

~

_You should have let me go, Jack._

In his dream, Daniel is a scar. Perched on the awkward chair in his lab, rarely wheeling outside. A wreck of a man, and only there for Jack to bring him coffee and pie and occasionally an apple, which he always finds dried and untouched a few days later. Daniel sometimes grimaces when Jack enters, and when he does, the wrinkles around his mouth curl and bend and twist, and his face looks like the apple, dried and old and _scary_.

“Why have you done this to me, Jack?” he doesn’t say. 

“I asked you to let me go, Jack,” he doesn’t say. 

“I can’t live like this, Jack,” he doesn’t say.

His eyes are the color of matted blue.

~

“Teal’c?”

“He already checked the perimeter, sir.  No sign of Daniel.”

She runs a hand through her hair. Her fingers are shaking, and her eyes are wide.

The forest is quiet and dark around them. The stars above flicker as all stars do. Teal’c is a silent shadow nearby, propped on the staff weapon, a quiet assurance of their safety.

His hand is surprisingly steady when he puts it firmly on her arm. “You two keep watch. No fire, no wandering off alone. Maintain radio contact. If I don’t get back in two hours, dial the gate, request a UAV.”

She’s already nodding, but the burn in her eyes tells him how much she wants to go too.

He can’t resist. He pats her arm, lightly. “I’ll find him, Carter.”

A nod. She either doesn’t notice, or she doesn’t mind. “I know you will, sir.”

~

_Jack. Tell Jacob to stop._

…No.

In his dream, Daniel is naked.

The lights are low, because he doesn’t want Jack to see. But Jack doesn’t have to see. He touches touches touches and that’s enough to know, to feel, to _fear_. The landscape under his fingers is just a body, after all, and he used to know that body, so he should be able to recognize the unfamiliar patterns, mountains and rocks and valleys, ruins, ruins, _ruins_ of that landscape…

Somehow he knows it’s a dream. A dream in a dream in a dream. But he can’t escape his own mind.

Daniel makes a little sound _oh Jack_ , and the snake is twisted tight in his gut because he knows it _should not matter_!; it’s the mind, the man, the _soul_ that is important, and it’s all the same, the same as before, before he didn’t let Daniel go…

And then he remembers. He did let Daniel go.

_Jacob. Stop…_

He did let Daniel slip, once again. And he’s not sorry.

~

The night swallows him up immediately after he leaves the perimeter of the camp. The branches slide wetly across his cheek, so he raises his arm to shield his face and steps into the dark.

~

In his dream, Daniel is a snake of white light, coiled tightly around himself, a mockery of his usual pose. He’s sleeping at the foot of the bed, and Jack can almost poke him with his toes, but he doesn’t, lest Daniel dissipate into the darkness.

The light that is Daniel is pulsing softly, a flutter of eyelids, a sigh that is his breath, but the air is not moving and Jack feels his throat tighten around a word that he dare not speak.

~

At dawn the radio creaks and Carter pretends not to be concerned when she asks him to confirm the request for the UAV.

“Negative, Carter.”

He’s just found a trace, easy enough even for him to find, so there’s no need for the government money to be spent, is there?

~

In his dream, he catches Daniel’s hand, and the Daniel with the unfamiliar name tugs sharply and frees himself, fury in his eyes, a language Jack doesn’t understand spilling from his mouth. There is contempt in the twist of his upper lip, teeth showing just enough to tell Jack that no, _this is not how I want this to go_.

Then he extends a hand, and the blue robes are floating gently, enveloping Jack as he is laid on the ground, wet grass leaving stains on his BDUs, and Daniel is smiling now, but it’s wide and intense and it’s _terrifying_ and it’s not Daniel at all.

“I’m not letting you go this time, Daniel,” he says, and the not-Daniel’s tongue is wet and cold behind his ear. “I’m not letting go.”

Pale blue eyes search his face, darting back and forth, a cold hand skimming over his brow and temple.

“No,” the not-Daniel whispers, and it’s resonating in his chest, the nasal syllable that only Daniel, _their_ Daniel can pronounce like that. “No, you’re not.”

~

He finds him in a small clearing – is there always a clearing for something like this? – where the forest thins enough to let a small patch of high grass extend its greedy fingers towards the sky. The day is in full bloom now, but there are clouds gathering over them, and a telltale pulsing in his head indicates that a storm is coming.

He doesn’t call out. He just stands there, arms braced on the P90, legs apart, feeling the half-a-day’s hike catch up with him slowly. He welcomes the ache, for it is well rewarded.

The grass around Daniel is crushed in a small circle, like he’s been sitting there all day, only changing position so his legs wouldn’t cramp. He still has his hat on, which is strange, considering the hurry he must have been in to get here.

Jack takes one step and Daniel springs to his feet like he’s just been awakened. He spins around and freezes in that strange position only he can assume, hands speaking a useless language, fingers splayed, mouth open, the too familiar frown cutting a crease between his eyebrows. It’s _so Daniel_ that it makes Jack smile and relax just a bit…

But Daniel looks at him with a stranger’s eyes and Jack almost expects a _Jim?_ to roll off his tongue any moment.

And then the sky opens up over them.

Daniel blinks, and looks around, then his eyes dart to Jack and suddenly there is _What am I doing here, Jack?_ in these eyes, before he registers the rain. He looks around hurriedly then, a quick sweep of the surroundings in search of the closest shelter, while simultaneously trying to hunch his entire frame under his hat. But he doesn’t make the slightest move to run for cover.

The rain is soaking them both now, and there is that scowl on Daniel’s face, the one he gets when Jack does something utterly stupid, like, say, standing knee-deep in wet heavy grass, while the sky is falling. He is holding awkwardly to his hat, but the water is trickling down his wrists and into his sleeves, so he shakes his hands and lets them fall to his sides.

And Jack thinks that it’s somehow inappropriate, blasphemous even, and yet so utterly _beautiful_ , just standing there like that, Jack’s hand braced against the P90, Daniel’s shoulders drawn together, his body poised at the edge of a move he is not making.

“Jack?” Daniel asks carefully, but there’s impatience in his eyes, there’s _Why aren’t we moving now, Jack?_ in his eyes.

But still he doesn’t move.

“Go”, Jack says, but he finds it whispered, and not loud enough for Daniel to hear over the fizzle of the rain, and Daniel squints even more, his eyes darting around again and then back to Jack.

So Jack chooses a compromise, steps out of the way and makes the ‘after-you’ gesture with his arm and the gun, and finally Daniel moves, and steps past him, not once looking back, trusting Jack to follow.

Jack stands in the rain for a little while.


End file.
